Friday, October 31, 2014

Girls gone wild...

Two things before reading this: 

1. Did I actually ask this?  Yes.
2. Was I joking?  Absolutely, so lighten up.

ER:  "I have an altered mental status down here. Normal labs, but she's acting really strangely. Waiting on CT."

Me:  "What is she doing that is so crazy?"

ER:  "Well, she is talking gibberish for starters, but the reason she was brought in was because she took her top off in Wal-Mart."

Me:  "Is she hot?"

ER:  *laughing* "Actually yeah, she kinda is."

Me:  "Send her up."

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Fraudulent phone call...

*phone call, yesterday*

Voice: "Hey, Dr. Say. This is Mr. Renal. You're saw my wife, Mrs. Renal and I wanted to spend some time talking to you about..."

Me: "How did you get this number?"

Mr. Renal:  "Your medical exchange."

Me: "My medical exchange put a non-medical person through to my private line?"

Mr. Renal:  *brief pause* "Well, no. I told them I was a doctor calling from Big Hospital and..."

Me: "Did they tell you what my number was or just connect you to me?"

Mr. Renal:  "They just connected me to..."


Monday, October 27, 2014

Good reason...

Case manager:  "I'm having a hard time getting that guy who came from the nursing home placed. No one wants to take him."

Me:  "Why does no one want to take him?"

Case manager:  "Because he's an asshole."

Me:  "Good reason."

Friday, October 24, 2014

Sense of time...

I am consistently amazed at the amount of time patients and families think they are owed by the people caring for them. In my years working, I have not ever had a stable patient whose problems, with time for questions and answers, could not be adequately addressed in twenty minutes. Ever. I do spend a little longer on hospice talks and with ICU patients, but a young, stable patient who is still in the process of being worked up can be dealt with fairly quickly.

A few weeks ago, I spent 45 minutes in the room answering (the same 4-5) questions for this extraordinarily concerned family. The patient was completely stable and I had no reason to believe she would take a turn for the worse. After this 45 minute period, I told the family that I would be back tomorrow, but that I had other obligations that I needed to tend to. As I was turning the corner, I heard one of the family members loudly exclaim, "We spend all day waiting for him and he doesn't have five minutes to talk with us!?!"

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Foot in mouth syndrome...

One of the highest paid specialists at our hospital is the archetype for the rich, white male. He is racist, sexist, homophobic, narcissistic, and generally entitled.  The following are quotes I have overheard or were spoken directly to me...

On loving your children:  "One of the greatest things you can do for your children is to get them through college and grad school debt-free. I don't know how you'll do that on your salary, though."

Upon meeting my mixed-race (and gorgeous) wife for the first time:  "Wow! What auction did you pick her up at?"

On enjoying life:  "I'm amazed at the things that people waste their time on that they don't get paid for."

On climate change:  "That's just something the fags in San Francisco dreamed up to keep them relevant."

On homosexuals:  "I'm okay with gay marriage, as long as both girls are hot."

On patient compassion:  (After consulting me on a post-op patient) "Why are you doing all that? No one sues over a 90 year-old dying."

He is not above giving out compliments, however:  (to me) "You're one of the smartest people in the hospital. You should have gone into neurosurgery or something useful."

Monday, October 20, 2014

Going to die...

Patient:  "I'm going to die, aren't I?"

Me:  "Oh, no, I don't think so."

Patient:  "I meant someday."

Me: "Oh, well yes, then."

Patient:  "I knew it!"

Friday, October 17, 2014

Same thing...

Me: Do you wear your CPAP every night?

Patient: Not really. I usually have the window open or a fan going, does the same thing. 

Submitted by Kate.

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