Wednesday, October 1, 2014


Patient:  "It has been two hours since I got to the floor. Why are you so late coming to see me?!?"

Me: "I apologize, ma'am. I have nine admissions to see and I've been taking care of some sick ones down in the CCU."

Patient:  "What do they have to do with me?"

Friday, September 26, 2014

Don't touch me...

Patient:  "Don't touch me today. I know that you guys charge me every time you touch me."

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Burning with urination...

From the retired doc who reads EKGs at our hospital:

I was in private practice awhile back and I was talking to a patient about some of his symptoms when I asked the following question:

"Does your urine burn when you pee?"

At this point, the patient looked horrified and leaned in closely, lowering his voice.

"Sir...why would I ever try to set it on fire?"

Monday, September 22, 2014

Showed them...

"I told that insurance company that, if they were going to charge me this much then I'd just stop taking my blood thinner. I showed them!"

- 86 year-old patient in CCU for bilateral blood clots in her lungs.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Doing this to me...

Patient:  "I can't believe you're doing this to me."

Context:  Patient found unresponsive at home next to an empty bottle of 180 hydrocodone, filled three days ago. Also, an empty bottle containing 120 Xanax, filled three days earlier.  She was mad because I wouldn't let her leave and go pick her kids up from foster care.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014


Me:  "Is it okay to talk in front of everyone in the room?"

Patient:  "Yeah.  They can hear everything you have to say to me."

Me:  "Okay. Well, I think the reason you are in kidney failure is because you were out in the sun using methamphetamines and got dehydrated."

At this point, the family in the room went nuts, nearly attacking the patient over the drug use.  The yelling was such that I was worried I'd have to call security.  I ended up leaving the room because no one wanted to hear what I had to say anymore.  Later, I got a phone call.

Nurse:  "That patient says he's going to sue you for telling his family he takes drugs."

Me:  *sigh*

Monday, September 15, 2014


Patient:  "Would you mind calling my sister and asking her to bring me a pizza?"

Me:  "Sure.  I'll get her number off the chart and call her."

Patient:  "No, I'll give you the number."

Me:  "Okay.  What is it?"

Patient:  "555....."

Me: "555-what?"

Patient:  "555...."

Me:  "Want me to get it off the chart?"

Patient:  "No, I have it.  It's 555...."

This went on for about five minutes until she agreed to let me get it off the chart.

Me:  "Okay. I'll call her."

Patient: "Okay. She will want to know what I want on the pizza."

Me:  "What do you want?"

Patient:  "Pepperoni and...."

Me:  "And?"

Patient:  "Pepperoni and...."

Me:  *sigh*

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