Wednesday, July 23, 2014

How not to get me to fill out applications...

Me:  "I have tried to fill out your application three times.  It doesn't list Germany as a place of birth (I was born on a military base in Heidelberg) and it won't save my references."

Recruiter:  "Oh, you have to use Internet Explorer to..."

Me: "That's all I needed to know, thanks."

Recruiter:  "Oh, so you can fill it out now?"

Me:  "No, I just realized I should go with a company that isn't stuck in the early 90's."

Monday, July 21, 2014

Wednesday, after lunch...

Me:  "I think we'll be able to get you out tomorrow."

Patient:  "Wednesday, after lunch?"

Me:  "No, tomorrow is Tuesday."

Patient:  "That's not Wednesday."

Me:  "No, Tuesday is not Wednesday."

Patient:  "After lunch."

Me:  "We could discharge you tomorrow after lunch, yes."

Patient:  "Wednesday."

Me:  "No, tomorrow will be Tuesday.  Is there some reason you don't want to leave tomorrow?"

Patient:  "Tomorrow is not Wednesday."

Me:  "I think we've established that."

Patient:  "So, Wednesday, after lunch, then.  That sounds good."

Me:  *sigh*

Friday, July 18, 2014

Something's wrong...

Patient:  "You have to help me doctor.  Something's wrong."

Me:  "Okay.  You'll have to be more specific, though."

Patient:  "Okay.  Something's wrong with me."

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Therapeutic bowel movement transfer...

Nurse:  "The patient's family in 502 wants to transfer her to another hospital."

Me:  "Why?"

Nurse:  "Because she hasn't had a bowel movement since she arrived."

Me:  "When did she arrive?"

Nurse:  "Yesterday."

Monday, July 14, 2014

Dirty...

Patient:  "I don't like the way you people are treating me.  Like I'm dirty or something."

Me:  "I'm sorry, what are you referring to?"

Patient:  "Every person that touches me in here immediately washes their hands.  I'm not dirty, you know."

Me:  "That is standard practice for every patient in the hospital."

Patient:  "Yeah right."

Friday, July 11, 2014

Fix it...

"So who will be the surgeon fixing her heart valve?" -- family of 104 year-old patient found to have a murmur on exam.  The conversation about how she would not be considered an operative candidate even if I found something on an ultrasound of the heart did not sit well with them.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Hardcore...

Me:  "Sir, if you don't mind me asking, how is it possible that you are still smoking?  Your lungs are terrible. I can't believe that you could even inhale the smoke."

Patient:  "I go outside to smoke and put my inhaler in one hand and the cigarette in the other.  Sometimes I stick the cigarette in through the hole in the mask of my nebulizer and smoke while it's running."

#dedication

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