Size does matter...

Seen in chart:  "Patient is angry at God because he will not tell her how big his penis is."

#thatisnotpartoftheholytrinity

Submitted by Kelli S.

I can see how that would be a problem...

"I don't mind dying, it's the whole not living anymore part that bothers me."

#trulydizzyingintellect

Crack is whack...

 Patient:  "Cocaine just isn't what it use to be. Crack heads these days don't know what they're missing."


#thankswhitneyhouston


Submitted by Melissa H.

Open mouth, insert....

Patient:  "Can I get that antibiotic in liquid form?  I can't swallow pills."

Me:  "Are you telling me that you have oral gonorrhea and you can't swallow a PILL?"

#betterthanoculargonorrheaIguess

It's ok, the cocaine makes me nervous, too.

"I'm sorry I'm jittery today, I was too drunk to take my Valium this morning."

#honestyisnotalwaysthebestpolicy

Submitted by Melissa H.

Refills! Get your red-hot refills here!

Me:  "Why have you come in today?"

Patient:  "I'm needing refills on my antibiotic."

Me:  "Are you sick?"

Patient:  "No, but my regular doctor is out of town and he usually just gives me monthly refills on antibiotics so I can take them whenever I feel bad."

Me:  *sigh*

#youwillbethedeathofusall

Smoke up, Johnny!

I have a hard time listening to patients who smoke who come in because they're "worried this mole might be cancer." Really? That's like worrying about sniper fire while playing Russian Roulette.


#Iwearaseatbeltonamotorcycletoo

I've been lonely...

Written in chart:  "Patient has been wanting to buy a goat for some time now."

#weallhaveneeds

That just happened...

"Ma'am, are you capable of walking?"

"Yes."

"Then why did you choose to soil your bed rather than get up to go to the bathroom?"

"It's all the way over there."

"Ma'am, that's a grand total of three feet from you."

#changemydiapernowbiatch

Dr. House in da House.

I love how whenever I get a patient better the family says things like "oh doctor, I'm glad we talked you into doing that, I don't think she would have gotten better if we hadn't insisted." Yeah, it's all you. Here, take my white coat and fix the other 130 people on my list, Dr. House.


#hesnotrealjackassgetoverit

Forever and ever?

"Am I going to be on this medicine for the rest of my life?" - 104 year-old patient.

#optimismneverdies

Mmm...bacon.

Me:  "Do you use any other medicines, herbal products, anything?"

Patient:  "Well, I do rub bacon grease under ma' titties every day."

Me: "...."

#everthingisbetterwithbacon

Do the Dew

Me:  "OK, you're a diabetic now so no more soft drinks."

Patient:  "Oh, OK.  I'll switch to Mountain Dew then."

#soharditsnotevenasoftdrink

Fixer-upper

Family:  "We don't understand why she's so weak, she's just not getting better."

Me:  "Well, Ma'am, she is 105 years old."

Family:  "What has THAT got to do with anything?!"

#aintnothinbutanumber

Check under the Hood....

A patient recently walked into my office.  When I asked what she was here for she replied:  "Well, I'm not sure what exactly is going on, but I have an infection....down there *motions to crotch*.  I'm not sure what it is, but glows in a blacklight and it's scaring my customers."

#strippershavetheniceststories.